We all feel it- the need to know that we matter. Truly, each of us matters. A lot. We just can’t see the truth when we are looking for it in all the wrong places. Some search for decades chasing loose ends, bound for that infamous midlife crisis. Even Christians rarely grasp the full truth fully. Sometimes we catch a glimpse of our great worth during an enlightening sermon, profound reading or prayerful journal entry. But the next morning or even the next minute, we forget half of the revelation. Also, we are likely to relapse from time to time.
When we forget to look to God for our self-worth, we are quick to look elsewhere thinking that combinations like pretty + smart + strong somehow add up to our value. I catch myself sometimes:
- When I dress up for a date and await a compliment from my husband, am I really just yearning to be told that I matter? Sprucing up for a date is not a bad thing. In fact, I’d call it good so long as my worth is not bound up in my appeal (pun).
- If I again link my worth to the dent I am (or am not) making in injustice, am I searching for affirmation? It is good to do justice provided I know I am enough apart from my deeds.
- Is my desire to own a unique charming little house instead of a cookie-cutter condo just me trying to set myself apart from the crowd? Would that really make me matter? Nope.
- Does my itch to be perceived as quirky and high-energy spring from the same false security in uniqueness? Probably.
- Does my ability to hold a yoga pose longer than the chick on the mat beside me reveal anything about my or her significance? Definitely not.
- When I can’t afford (or don’t fit into) a dress, when I am not invited to the event or group text, when I talk to someone more productive, talented, wise or servant-hearted than I am, should I feel like less? Of course I shouldn’t.
- And when I think through what team sport, instrument lesson or tutoring session to enroll my child in, is part of me trying to provide outlets for him to prove his worth later? I really hope not!
You’re right, I’m messed up. But don’t tell me you can’t relate. Do you remember proofs in high school geometry? “If and only if a quadrilateral has two distinct pairs of adjacent sides that are congruent then the quadrilateral is a kite.” Like a math student we reason, “If and only if I measure up to a predefined standard then I matter.” Identifying our identity-sources requires careful examination and prayerful evaluation.
People are fairly predictable, really. We tend to tally our value by the sum of our stuff, success and sexiness. We stack our stuff as evidence of our worth; we mislabel successes and failures then give them too much weight; we make sexiness a source of pride or insecurity. We try to prove that we matter with things like: an impressive travel log, knowledge, a well-decorated house with good curb appeal, new appliances and vehicles, well-behaved kids, a flattering wardrobe complete with trendy necklaces, glowing skin, good reputation, online presence, talents, job promotions, or good ole net worth. We try to catch up until we try to get ahead until we realize it was all in vain because none of it ever worked. These possessions and qualities are not wholly bad in themselves as long as we don’t cling to them. Clinging to such flimsy, fleeting things enslaves us to fear of losing them. Disappointment will come in time- either because we lost that to which we clung or because we didn’t lose it and discovered it wasn’t worth clinging to.
Before I move on, let me point out that the pursuer is not the only one affected by the chase. In the name of mattering, we one-up others because if they matter less, maybe that means we matter more. Ouch. This is the curtain no one wants to walk behind. If we find our significance by boosting ourselves above other people, then how can we not simultaneously be tearing down our view of those people’s significance? Competition is a far cry from compassion. If we don’t “love our neighbors as ourselves”(Matt.12:31), we certainly can not “value them above ourselves” (Phil 2:3). God doesn’t show favoritism and neither should we. He shows all of us that we matter by an entirely different and entirely better means.
You know what screams loudest that we matter? Louder than self-confidence and compliments. The gospel. Jesus’ incarnation, teaching, death, resurrection and help. He came for creation collectively and He came for every individual personally- for you. God humbled Himself to the point of becoming a human being! Then He died an agonizing humiliating death to ransom you. Then He gave you the power of the Holy Spirit saying He wants to live in your heart and spend time with you forever and help you to live in a complete and rewarding way (Phil 2:6-8).
Therefore you matter! And it matters that you matter. So don’t write off the hunt for self-worth altogether as if it were wrong to want it. Write down the truth about why you matter and return to your list when you catch yourself searching and doubting. George Buttrick calls this “rehearsing your certitudes.” Instead of reviewing the rolodex of stuff, successes and sexiness, remember Biblical truths and personal experiences that prove how highly God values you. Remind yourself of them often. Be firm in your knowledge of this truth so that Satan can use insecurity to distract you no more.
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