Just type Peggy O’Mara into your Pinterest search bar and see dozens of prettified quotations. Chiefly,
The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.
On reading O’Mara’s words, I was first skeptical then curious. I laughed as I pictured a grown man reviewing his mother’s instructions as he ties his shoe, “Make rabbit ears with the laces… lasso them…and pull tight.” Then I texted my own mother, “Mom, is this statement hyped up or true?” Mom replied with two ways words influence children’s thoughts and therefore their actions into adulthood.
1) If you talk to your child like he is stupid, he will likely grow up believing he is stupid.
Talk about an impediment. Let me elaborate. Most would agree that deriding words like, “What were you thinking? Are you stupid?!” quickly dismantle a child’s confidence, but consider also the implications of well-meaning prods like “Are you sure you can do that by yourself?” or “That may not be the best plan.” Out of a desire to protect our children’s hearts from disappointed hopes, moms may discourage risk-taking and so write a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell your child he can do anything then he may fail; but if you suggest he is incompetent then he may never try.
Over checking his work or taking over assignments for him steals opportunities to practice courage and skill. I have heard many an interview of effective persons who attribute their success to mom or teachers who “believed in them.” Believe your child is smart and capable then treat him as such. Don’t doubt his abilities whether he is building a tall block tower or sounding out a long word, cleaning the bathroom well or belaying a friend, running for class counsel or initiating a community social good project. Kids will rise or sink to parents’ expectations. You have the power to build in him thinking habits that can last a lifetime.
2) If you treat your child like she is more special than everyone else, she will likely grow up believing other people are unimportant and treating them as such.
My dad used to say to me, “You are my favorite oldest daughter.” and to my only brother, “You are my very favorite son.” His funny statements were true and wonderful in my little ear. Children need to feel cherished. It is good to show them how important they are to you. The problem comes when you show them they are more important in general.
Again, most would agree that glorifying words like “The world revolves around you, dear. No need to be considerate of others because you are above them and everyone else merely exists to serve you.” would quickly skew a child’s persona. But not all the inconsiderate adults out there cutting lines, littering, and talking loudly on their phones in quiet places were raised by such delusive parents. Teach your child to do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others more significant than [herself]. Let each look not only to [her] own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phil. 2:3 . Matthew 25:34-45 also teaches about compassion. I wrote an at-home lesson plan for the passage here.
The way we talk to and about our children lays a foundation of right thinking for them to build on. At the same time, the attitude we model molds their perspectives. I’ve mentioned confidence and compassion, but let me touch also on contentment.
I have heard the excuse, “I’m just cynical by nature.” or “She’s a naturally joyful person.” I don’t buy that. I think people are born a blank slate, observant and absorbent. Contentment and cynicism both are built. If you model complaining, your children may, by default, live continually on the lookout for something to complain about. If you live with impermeable joy and gratitude relying on the Lord in all things, your kids may develop an unshakable grin.
Children are little pre adults and our words can make a big impression. It takes some letting go and quite a bit of humility topped by a lot of trust in God, plenty of self control and continual prayer to raise a joyful compassionate confident person. Talk carefully.
