I watched my mother do the friendship dance through my seven childhood moves. So when I married a military man turned graduate student five years and four apartments ago, I knew all the tricks.
When I arrive in a new town,
I talk to random people in the library and awkwardly ask women for their phone numbers. I stand near older women’s circles in the church fellowship hall to listen to their wise conversations then I track godly ladies down so I can sit under their teaching. I seek out women who are trying to live out Philippians 4:8 & James 3:17 then I bribe them with coffee and food and free devotional books. I plot to show up at their book clubs and their kids’ play groups, “Hey, crazy seeing you here!” The only way to grow my comfort zone is to step out of it. The process can be difficult; sometimes it is plain uncomfortable. But I know that seclusion would leave me lonely and dull. By dull I do not mean boring, I mean unwise and ineffective like a blunt knife.
Wise King Solomon said, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” That is, we are sharpened through friendship. Not just any friendship, but through intentionally honest conversations with friends who are also seeking to be sharpened.
More challenging even than acquiring friends is deepening those friendships. It is easy to spend hours prattling about hairdos and baby bedding. Such conversation topics are not bad, but in addition to discussing fun surface level interests, we do well to dive into the nitty gritty. When I was in college, I met weekly with 3 girls to talk with brave, and often uncomfortable, honesty about our struggles, our stumbles, our pain and of course our joys. We went through some hard stuff together, mourned together, corrected one another, encouraged and inspired one another, prayed together, and reminded each other of Biblical truths. We came out sharper because of it.
The first time any of us step out of our conversational comfort zones, we might feel a little naked and very vulnerable, but to these trusted friend(s), we can lay out our certitudes and our anxieties raw and bare and shameless. When we listen with kind patience, we discover that our peers endure the same hang-ups we have been so hesitant to share and that we needn’t sit lonely in our deep quiet longings any longer. Nor need we feel guilty about our doubts. Instead, we can be honest unhindered and receive encouragement.
As with kitchen knives,when we are sharpened we become more effective at our purpose, wise and sturdy. Through transparency in friendship, God hones our habits and refines our characters. The Lord takes the chunk of dirty iron that we are then refines us, removing our hidden impurities. We become malleable like molten metal. Through accountability, God sharpens us.
But God is not even primarily concerned about our usefulness. He is even more interested in our wholeness. Through honest friendship, he blesses us with beautiful unity and peace. See, dishonesty doesn’t just leave us dull; it leaves us lonely. I have lived before with secret sin and with the heavy feeling of shame. And I can tell you it is a very lonely place. We need to be genuine with one another not only so that we can keep Satan from getting a foothold on our sisters, but also so that we can feel the unity that God intended for us to experience on earth. We were created with a desire to feel KNOWN. Do you feel it? Unity is a gift He offers us now and it comes through:
- Sincere fellowship and authenticity
- Carrying each others’ burdens
- Rejoicing together
- Talking about our trials and sorrows
- Humble confession and accountability
- Praying together
- Unconditional love and compassion
Unity that comes with being truly known in friendship (and more so in marriage) is a foreshadowing of the oneness we will feel with him in heaven! I don’t want to get to heaven and realize that I did not experience to the uttermost the abundant life on earth that God offered me. Fostering these sharpening relationships takes courage: courage to initiate, to be honest, to listen, and to pray.
SIDE NOTE: Sara Groves would agree about this sweet sweet thing of having “nothing to hide with light shining down to the very inside.” She wrote her song, Different Kinds of Happy about marriage, but her convicting and inspiring lyrics are applicable to friendship as well:
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Thank you for this. I stumbled onto your blog from a friend’s facebook site and have now read at least 10 of your posts. This one in particular stuck out to me, a lot. I used to be so good at stepping out of my comfort zone, and it was large, and now I feel like I make excuses half the time because really I’m just scared of rejection and small talk (I don’t know how to transition from small talk to real talk with most people) and consequently it has shrunk way down. It’s not what I want, and it’s not what God wants, and I know I can be brave (and trust God) and change it! So, thank you. Your blogs have been filled with a lot of kicks in the butt that I’ve needed today. =)
Ashley, Thank you for sharing your heart. I have been pondering the question under your comment for a long time now. I want to write a follow-up post articulating how to get over that smalltalk hurdle. The hurdle is real and like you said, it’s built out of a habit of fear. Habit-busting is hard work. Who has time and energy to apply discipline to inspiration and bravely shoulder through that barrier? I can tell you do not underestimate the difficulty or the reward. Its worth it. Once I write the post, I will let you know here.